Crazy to think we have been home from the NICU for a month already! Having your baby go to the NICU or the Newborn Intensive Care Unit can be a really hard and scary thing. It can also be a really long process depending on your situation. Fortunately my sweet baby only spent 2 weeks in the NICU but it was harder than I could have imagined. If you want to read Boden’s full birth story– you can check that out here. You might be thinking what do you say to a NICU mother? Or thinking how can you help a friend whose baby is in the NICU.

People were so sweet to our family while our son was in the NICU. People may not have know what to say to a friend whose baby is in the NICU. But what matters is they tried and reached out and it was great. Especially our neighbors who kept asking how they could help. It was really hard to think of things that people could do for us and I felt bad giving them a list. But people kept asking and eventually I gave them ways they could help. 

What to Say and What Not to Say

My advice is if you have a baby go to the NICU when someone offers the help- take it! If you know someone who has a baby in the NICU don’t ask, just do! It is so hard to be able to text everyone back that is texting you. You are busy and at the hospital all day. So don’t always expect a text back and if they don’t text back they still appreciate you reaching out! A lot of the time I didn’t even have my phone near me. It also was really hard to be updating people all the time because a lot of the time there wasn’t an update. So sweet of people to ask how he was. But people always asked me when he was coming home and that got a little hard and sad to answer.

A lot of people just kept telling me “Oh he will be home any day!” And while I knew they meant well it really was hard to be like but he really isn’t coming home tomorrow. And I don’t even feel like there is an end in sight right now. So one of my pieces of advice wold be to not ask when the baby is coming home. I know that is hard but it always made me more sad when I reflected on not knowing what the future held.

I am going to mention a few more things that weren’t so helpful. Then I promise I will move onto how to help someone with a NICU baby or yourself! Another thing I wouldn’t do is share your story with them unless asked. All babies are so different. It is one thing to be empathetic but other times it kind of hurt my feelings. It was so sweet when fellow NICU moms would comment like “Ahh I know how you feel- you got this mama!” Those messages we great and meant a lot coming from someone else that had been through the situation- I knew how heart felt they were.

But sometimes I would have random followers that would message me and say things like “Oh my son went to the NICU for a few hours when he was born, I know how you feel.” Not to undermine that situation because any NICU time is too much time. But it kind of drove me crazy. Those moms went through something hard but I went through something different than that. I had to be discharged and leave my baby at the hospital. My heart broke in two. It just for me wasn’t helpful when every situation is different and 2 weeks was a long time to leave my baby in the hospital. If you are wondering what do you say to a NICU mother- in my case this isn’t it haha. 

Same way that I wouldn’t say to someone that had a baby in the NICU for 3 months- I have no idea what that would be like- SO hard! And I don’t pretend to know how hard that would be! So moral of the rant, I didn’t love the story comparison because each experience is so different. And it just made me frustrated more than anything or sad that my baby didn’t recover as quickly etc. Kind of like how it was hard to see fellow NICU babies come and go in the time your baby was still there. So really just try not to trivialize the situation.

I would also have people say “Well at least you can sleep at night!” But the truth was no I couldn’t because I was stressed and sad and missed my baby! And also I pumped all the time to get my supply to come in so I was up every 3 hours around the clock. Anyway enough of being a Debbie Downer- I don’t mean it that way at all I just want to provide honest feedback of what helped and what didn’t. Because it is so hard leaving your baby alone in the NICU. I was the same way – before this I would have no idea and wonder what do you say to a NICU mother?

Now let’s get to some more things you CAN do to support a friend whose baby is in the NICU! There are so many things that can help lift a spirit and lend a hand. It can be so hard to know how to help and you might be wondering what do you say to a NICU mother?

How to Help!

• Drop off a favorite soda or coffee
• Leave a treat and/or card
• Flowers!
• Bath bombs– but you shouldn’t bathe for 6 weeks after having a baby so a candle might work better for some!
• Freezer meals!
• Grab and go dinners. We had awesome neighbors that brought meal things from Costco and that was our saving grace to be able to pop those in whenever we were home.
• Snacks! I lived at the hospital and with the strict feeding schedule it was hard to have time to leave. There was a locker I could keep snacks in and take little breaks to eat. Even some fresh produce would be nice. I ate so much junk food because it was easy to grab. An apple is easy to grab too so that would be a thoughtful thing to give!
• Fast food gift cards! The hospital was a half hour from our house so I would stay at or near the hospital all day. I spent so much money going through drive thrus but there weren’t any other options. So look up what food is close by and drop off a gift card! I mean a McDonald’s soda with some caffeine was always needed to stay awake!
• Gas gift cards! We drove sooo much! Both Eric and I would drive there and back at least once a day and it was a half hour from our house.
• Take their other child/children. We had people offer to watch Beck all the time which was so sweet. Since our parents lived by the hospital and we would be gone all day I would drop him off there.  I didn’t want to make a neighbor have him all day- but that was just because we lived far from the hospital. So take their kids and just insist on it!
• Yard work- shovel, weed, rake depending on season. It would be so nice to get home and see something had been done in the yard. Because the last thing people are going to be able to do is rake or weed with a newborn. Especially if the baby comes home on oxygen or just having a newborn in general makes it impossible to do yard work. Trust me!
• What do you say to a NICU mother? Well call and visit if you see their car home but try to make it brief unless it seems like she wants to chat and destress!
• This would surely help mama relax a little and get her mind off of it- a pedicure or massage coupon.
• Follow up once they are home and offer to watch older kids so mama and baby can take a nap. It also will remind mama that she is not alone and forgotten about now that baby is home.

Things that Helped to Have on Hand

I am going to link some things below that I brought with me to the NICU or things that I wish I would have had. It would be so sweet to give someone a NICU Survival Kit/ care package for NICU parents with some of these items! I hope this can help you know how to help and answer your question of what do you say to a NICU mother.